I'm Breaking Down...

16 days 6 hours 26 minutes. 

That's how long I made it without an anxiety attack.

I think I have put off writing about each of these experiences because I'm so embarrassed that they happened, but the whole point of this blog is to show each of you that you aren't alone! So here goes.

I started May with these big big goals to manage my stress and go the whole month without an anxiety attack! I had a few close calls in the first couple of days as I became frustrated with myself for not being able to work out as hard as I used to and for not being able to spend as much time with my husband. I felt like while I was trying so hard to manage my stress, I was still very aware of the stress I felt and that it was overwhelming at times. 

On Friday, May 15th, it was date night and I was SO excited. I had been working so hard all week to get my homework done so that I could spend the evening with my husband and was feeling a little  disappointed that the evening we had planned together seemed a little mundane since so many things were closed. 

That morning, my husband went to work for a long shift at work and he decided to bike there, which he hadn't done for awhile. I had asked him to text me when he got there so that I knew he had made it safe, but 2 hours after he was supposed to arrive, I still hadn't heard anything. I sent him a text, but got no response, and that's when I started feeling a little anxious. I decided to work out and that helped for a little bit, but when there was still no response after I finished, I decided to text his boss. I got ready for the day and I finally got a response from both of them and that put me at ease, but I felt like I was just being annoying by worrying so much. 

The week before, we had talked about potentially getting lunch together, but when lunch time rolled around, I didn't feel like asking him to grab a bite to eat, and I didn't hear from him either. I also didn't know what the full plan was anyways, but I ended up feeling really lonely because he was gone all day and I didn't get to see or hear from him that whole time. 

When he got home, he was super tired and we kind of just relaxed for an hour before getting out the door. We went disc golfing, but instead of feeling excited like I had all week, I felt really irritable and wasn't having a good time. I could feel the anxiety building up inside of me because I felt like I had been forgotten about and neglected all day. 

We stopped at Dairy Queen for a quick treat, but the line was SUPER long, so it took forever to get our ice cream. While we were waiting, I decided to write down some of the feelings I was having, but it just ended up getting worse and worse the more I wrote. 

When we got home, I was really feeling off and Sterling had asked me multiple times what was wrong. 

This is the moment it dawned on me. 

Sterling told me that when he got to work, he had to immediately get started and didn't get a change to text me that he had gotten there safe. They had over 8,000 donuts to prepare for the day ahead and he didn't have a second to spare. He got a 6 minute lunch break because it was SO busy that day. He didn't even have time for himself; he went to the bathroom when he got home that night because he hadn't done so while being at work! Because of this, and because he had spent a large portion of the day before cleaning our house, he hadn't time to do an assignment, so he needed time to do that when he got home from work. I had mentioned that I wanted to go disc golfing and get ice cream during the week, so that was why we went. Literally everything that he had done that day and the whole week was because he loved me and because he was helping others! 

And that's when I lost it.

I felt even more frustrated because I had been irritated with him for our whole evening together, but if I had just talked to him about it, we could have cleared up the misunderstanding and had a good time together. 

Instead, for almost two hours I sat crying on the couch into the supportive shoulder of my sweet husband who had only tried to help me feel loved that night.

I'm not saying all of this to get pity or to complain about what I struggle with, but to show that as I may attention to what surrounds my anxiety attacks, I am better able to determine why they happen. I would say that this anxiety attack was due to miscommunication. 

I didn't tell my husband how important it was to me that he messaged me once he got to work.

I didn't say that I wanted to eat lunch that day. 

I didn't talk about my feelings.

I didn't say that I had changed my mind about what I wanted to do for date night.

And because I didn't communicate any of that, I let my stress and anxiety get out of control which resulted in an anxiety attack. 

New plan: don't bottle up what I'm feeling inside. Talk through the feelings and acknowledge them, then learn to control them.