Fighting for Life & Liberty at Home

16 days 6 hours 26 minutes.  That's how long I made it without an anxiety attack. I think I have put off writing about each of these experiences because I'm so embarrassed that they happened, but the whole point of this blog is to show each of you that you aren't alone! So here goes. I started May with these big big goals to manage my stress and go the whole month without an anxiety attack! I had a few close calls in the first couple of days as I became frustrated with myself for not being able to work out as hard as I used to and for not being able to spend as much time with my husband. I felt like while I was trying so hard to manage my stress, I was still very aware of the stress I felt and that it was overwhelming at times.  On Friday, May 15th, it was date night and I was SO excited. I had been working so hard all week to get my homework done so that I could spend the evening with my husband and was feeling a little  disappointed that the evening we had planned toget...

Vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it's also the birthplace of joy, of creativity, of belonging, of love. - Brené Brown     In one of my classes, we watched this TED talk by Brené Brown and it really caused me to think about vulnerability. Am I comfortable being vulnerable? Who am I comfortable being vulnerable with? Do I keep secrets from others?       These questions weighed on my mind for a few days.       I was already trying to be vulnerable about my anxiety, but there were plenty of other things that I didn't like talking about other people with. That's when I got a call from a friend who had read a few posts from this blog. They told me about the struggles that they were facing and I felt comfortable telling them about my struggles. The feeling I had afterward was liberating. I never thought that being vulnerable with someone could bring any other feelings besides shame and ...

You know those movies where two people are making dinner together and one of them spills food on the floor and before you know it they are in a full-on food fight in their own kitchen? There is spaghetti flying everywhere, sauce on the ceiling, and through it all, they are just laughing. A saucepan becomes a shield, a wooden spoon a sword, and the hungry children must be rescued from the fire breathing dragon. Not at my house. At my house when I spill food on the floor, I follow it down to the ground because I'm so overwhelmed half the time. When the food gets burnt, instead of laughing it off, I apologize throughout the whole meal because it didn't turn out the way I had planned. Sound familiar? This is literally my life every single day. Except for Thursday. Thursday all the noodles ended up on the floor, like the whole bag. I rinsed them off while the water came to a boil and stuck them back in the bag to keep them clean. Then the noodles all stuck together. Then I f...

I don't remember the exact day, but I have an idea of when it started. My rolemodel, friend, and fellow teammate took her life at the end of her senior year soccer season and it shattered mine. I woke up to a text from someone in my choir who had heard about her suicide and I felt the air leave my chest as I fell to the ground. I didn't believe them. Heather was such a happy and kind person to everyone around her. She was always volunteering to do things, a strong member of her church, and the kind of person I wanted to be. She was so confident and had so many talents and I just couldn't understand how someone like that could take her life. (Heather is the girl on the left, closest to the bottom of the photo. I am opposite her with the dorky glasses.) I found out at her celebration of life that she struggled with depression and felt the only way to leave behind a little light and make the world a better place was to snuff out the light she had been sent here with. ...